Stu's Blog

So what is the difference?  Shame is said to be more of a public emotion. It is generated when we become aware that we have made a mistake and we Who wants to talk about shame and guilt?

These are two of the more difficult feelings for many of us to feel. As we know all feelings have a purpose and they give us information through energy that prompt us to take action to take care of ourselves. If we ignore what they are telling us then we abandon our selves. So what is the difference?Shame is said to be more of a public emotion. It is generated when we become aware that we have made a mistake and we know that others are also aware of our mistake. It feels like embarrassment. Shame has a purpose. It allows us to realize our limits and our values and we can, over time, establish through shame a healthier sense of self. It reminds us that we are human and imperfect. In addition shame helps you to be accountable for yourself and others. If someone lets you know you have crossed their boundary then you may initially feel shame and it is up to you how you are going to choose to allow the feeling of shame to affect you. You can either defend and argue with the other person and try to get out of the shame or you can allow yourself to feel the shame and realize that you don't have to experience it again with this person by simply respecting their boundaries in the future. In this way you can become accountable for your feelings and you become responsible because you are respecting other people's boundaries.

The positive aspect of shame is that it allows us the chance to regulate ourselves. Guilt on the other hand is when a person breaks their own rules or makes decisions to operate incongruently with their own value system. It can feel like a very uncomfortable gnawing feeling in the stomach. It does not require that others know that we have made a mistake. If others find out though guilt and shame may then be experienced together.

Then there s 'carried shame.' This originates with our caregivers and is common in the gay community. We carry a lot of our families and societies beliefs around our sexuality and it is well alive today. Many of us are aware of and live with it. Many people unknowingly carry shame that is not their own. The initial 'shaming' is an abusive process. The message a child hears is that 'you are less than' or worth less than. In the case of gay men being shamed around their sexuality – this can happen for a long time, many times and then a 'shame core' establishes itself. Later in life when any triggering or activating stimulus similar to the original shaming process is experienced the person may then experience a 'shame attack.' This can feel very debilitating.

Being gay is natural, organic normal and good. However as children whether we knew our sexuality or not we absorbed from our environment the attitudes and feelings that others had to gay people. For most of us these were rarely healthy, normal or natural attitudes. This then leads us to find ourselves in a 'shame bind.' We have becomes bound to the events and situations that created the original shame. The best way to break shame binds is first to become aware of them through noticing when we feel shame. Then in that moment that trigger our shame we challenge our old thoughts through self talk and positive affirmations about being gay. If it is in a discussion with another person being homophobic or degrading it will require being assertive, direct, it will require the setting of clear boundaries that state that what the other is saying is inappropriate. In certain cases of work place bullying disengaging and taking action may be appropriate but personal safety is the highest priority.

When we are in shame we start to feel powerless. This is why we need to let go of carrying anyone else's shame. We can engage with our own healthy shame to be able to regulate ourselves in certain situations but carrying shame that is not ours is debilitating.

Is it time for you to give back shame that is not yours to your family, to your workplace or another environment? If so then start this process today.

Shame is a necessary and important feeling. Some people in our

community are fighting to not feel shame by obliterating it with chemicals, addictive patterns, behaviours, avoidance and distracting processes. Like any emotion the best way to work with shame is to feel it, and act on what it is telling us to do and then let it go.

Remember shame is a valuable feeling and when used in a healthy way will actually serve to empower you to become more regulated, direct and assertive.

know that others are also aware of our mistake. It feels like embarrassment. Shame has a purpose. It allows us to realize our limits and our values and we can, over time, establish through shame a healthier sense of self. It reminds us that we are human and imperfect. In addition shame helps you to be accountable for yourself and others. If someone lets you know you have crossed their boundary then you may initially feel shame and it is up to you how you are going to choose to allow the feeling of shame to affect you. You can either defend and argue with the other person and try to get out of the shame or you can allow yourself to feel the shame and realize that you don’t have to experience it again with this person by simply respecting their boundaries in the future. In this way you can become accountable for your feelings and you become responsible because you are respecting other people’s boundaries.

The positive aspect of shame is that it allows us the chance to regulate ourselves. Guilt on the other hand is when a person breaks their own rules or makes decisions to operate incongruently with their own value system. It can feel like a very uncomfortable gnawing feeling in the stomach. It does not require that others know that we have made a mistake. If others find out though guilt and shame may then be experienced together.

Then there s ‘carried shame.’ This originates with our caregivers and is common in the gay community. We carry a lot of our families and societies beliefs around our sexuality and it is well alive today. Many of us are aware of and live with it. Many people unknowingly carry shame that is not their own. The initial ‘shaming’ is an abusive process. The message a child hears is that ‘you are less than’ or worth less than. In the case of gay men being shamed around their sexuality – this can happen for a long time, many times and then a ‘shame core’ establishes itself. Later in life when any triggering or activating stimulus similar to the original shaming process is experienced the person may then experience a ‘shame attack.’ This can feel very debilitating.

Being gay is natural, organic normal and good. However as children whether we knew our sexuality or not we absorbed from our environment the attitudes and feelings that others had to gay people. For most of us these were rarely healthy, normal or natural attitudes. This then leads us to find ourselves in a ‘shame bind.’ We have becomes bound to the events and situations that created the original shame. The best way to break shame binds is first to become aware of them through noticing when we feel shame. Then in that moment that trigger our shame we challenge our old thoughts through self talk and positive affirmations about being gay. If it is in a discussion with another person being homophobic or degrading it will require being assertive, direct, it will require the setting of clear boundaries that state that what the other is saying is inappropriate. In certain cases of work place bullying disengaging and taking action may be appropriate but personal safety is the highest priority.

When we are in shame we start to feel powerless. This is why we need to let go of carrying anyone else’s shame. We can engage with our own healthy shame to be able to regulate ourselves in certain situations but carrying shame that is not ours is debilitating.

Is it time for you to give back shame that is not yours to your family, to your workplace or another environment? If so then start this process today.

Shame is a necessary and important feeling. Some people in our

community are fighting to not feel shame by obliterating it with chemicals, addictive patterns, behaviours, avoidance and distracting processes. Like any emotion the best way to work with shame is to feel it, and act on what it is telling us to do and then let it go.

Remember shame is a valuable feeling and when used in a healthy way will actually serve to empower you to become more regulated, direct and assertive.