Stu's Blog

Most people don't understand drug addiction treatment centres at all. there is a difference between a detox, a 28 day rehab and a Therapeutic Community. Often people who don't know, like the sound of a five or seven day detox "stint" but don't realise that this is NOT treatment. This is basically just "time out" from drinking or using that gives an individual's body and mind time to clear some of the chemicals from their body.

I am wondering if Robin William's died from the condition Australian cartoonist, Michael Leunig calls "Lifeache." People go through life and they get fed this message in many cultures that you don't look back at the past you just suck it up and get on with it using various addictions and fronts, deflective defences and coping strategies to survive. And the truth is these mechanisms work for a time but death is inevitable and so there is fear...being alone and lonely is a reality for many, unprocessed emotions from the past and unfinished business with family and people - they sit and wait for us to feel them and let them go...

Today I have heard of another big brave, beautiful gay man who has died.

When I first saw this man his handsome stature, his energy and his physical beauty mesmerized me.

Today I heard that after many years battling with depression and after many suicide attempts he has succeeded and is dead.

After 17 years in Sydney I am returning to the Daylesford and Melbourne area. I will be taking on new clients after September the 1st, 2013. Appointments can be made in either place. My special areas of expertise are in alcohol and drug addiction, mental health, family challenges, self esteem building, relationships and communication, crisis counselling, friends and families of addicts, love addiction and avoidance, body image issues, ageing, life transitions, grief and loss and sexuality. Feel free to contact me through this website to discuss your counselling needs.

People sometimes think that with an alcohol, drug problem or a process addiction like gambling, sex addiction or porn addiction that the addiction itself is the problem and yes it is certainly a problem but more accurately the addiction is just the coping mechanism and a symptom that an individual acts out with to avoid the real problem.

Humans are much the same as a cell or an organism – they are always trying to achieve balance. If an individual has never been taught life skills and does not know how to get their needs met in a healthy way or to express their feelings then they get creative and they adjust and this is how all people develop from a baby to being an adult.

While abstinence can be difficult to achieve the benefits of being part of a recovery group are many. They include that interviewees describe having a spiritual life that allows them to be 'teachable.

In his book Raising Boys, Steve Bidulph starts a chapter discussing the development of sexuality like this:

‘We all want our boys to feel good about their sexuality and to enjoy it in an intimate, caring and exuberant way.’

A young gay man who tries to embrace his sexuality on a basic level must not only be strong to stay true to it but he must simultaneously deal with rejection by friends and family, harsh words, careless and degrading comments from peers and schoolmates and the accumulation of homophobic quips that have been stored in our psyche’s and memories from a life time of naïve and unaware strangers.

The phrase “straight acting’ is used by many gay men on their internet profiles and smart phones and I think that mostly gay men use this word unconsciously. it’s used similarly to the way many straight people use the word ‘gay’ to describe something they think is ‘bad’ and again unfortunately its use is mostly done in an unconscious way.

How do you feel when you read this word? What does it bring up for you? If it's the name you were taunted with at school before you were even aware you were gay or even if you were aware you were gay you may have developed negative 'feeling' attachments to it because it was used as a term of abuse, it was used in negative ways by those that wanted to hurt you. It may have been used in an alienating way in newspapers and news reports like when used in phrases as 'the gays.' So today I am offering you a chance to make amends with the word 'GAY.'

What does it mean to hold your value once you have established it? This is a special place that any gay man who has had low self esteem makes his way to appreciating the work and the persistence needed to achieve it. What does it feel like? It's precious and it feels powerful and good and until we know how to hold it, it can also be fragile and unstable.

In the preface to 'Howard's End' written by E.M Forster there are two curious words that begin the novel, 'Only Connect.' Forster's humanistic views often sought to portray the importance of making strong 'personal connections' in spite of the restrictions that make it hard to really make meaningful contact in contemporary society. Though he wrote in the early 1900's this idea or phrase is extremely relevant today.

The word 'recovery' gets used a lot in 12 step programs and in mental health contexts and other therapeutic areas. What does it really mean? I believe the best translation of this word is 'healing.'

Support or emotional support can be offered by one person to another and it is being able to see or understand another person's needs or discomfort and having the capacity to be there for them when it is asked for.

This one wont apply to all but perhaps to some people that struggle with money concerns from time to time. Growing up my parents gave me a lot of support with money till way past my 'maturity date.' Looking back I think that age is somewhere around eighteen. Eckhart Tolle talks in his book 'The New Earth' about how when an animal is old enough the parent releases it from the nest and it learns to fend for itself. He suggests that the same is true for human beings but in today's society some families do not initiate the 'cut off' point for this. This was true in my family. I do not blame my parents for this today but looking back I have a better idea of how this process would have been more functional.

Our feelings are like a compass. They give us information about ourselves so that we can direct ourselves in a course of action that requires us to either meet a need or a 'want' or they allow us to set necessary boundaries with others for our protection and safety. It is important to learn what we are feeling so we can act in a considered and appropriate way.

It's normal to yearn for a companion and to want to share our lives with another and in our community it can be a battlefield looking for the right companion. Sometimes we can mistake sex for being the most important thing in a partner.

Many gay men accomplish the art of 'getting into shape physically.' It takes commitment to go to the gym but once there we also have to remain....

These are two of the more difficult feelings for many of us to feel. As we know all feelings have a purpose and they give us information through energy that prompt us to take action to take care of ourselves. If we ignore what they are telling us then we abandon our selves.

‘In every community, there is work to be done. In every nation, there are wounds to heal. In every heart, there is the power to do it.’  Marianne Williamson.

This quote by famous spiritual author Marianne Williamson is powerful and relevant and no less true for the gay community. The treatment center I attended was a 'therapeutic community.' I stayed in this community for 6 months while I found my place and played my part as I started my journey of recovery .

The philosophy in a T.C. is that in this environment an individual can change. The environment itself helps to facilitate change. The therapeutic community provides a space where an individual changes over time because they are valued and accepted. They learn there to value and accept themselves.

Australia is one of the best countries in the world to have a drug problem. It’s one of those countries where the government will allow you to go to rehab and basically pay for you to go through the Centerlink health benefits package. There are some private rehabs like South Pacific, The Raymond Hader clinic in Melbourne and the Sanctuary in Byron Bay that are great but can also be expensive if you do not have private health insurance.

Often people want to start a new year with resolutions and promises that this one is going to be different. This is traditional and probably a great idea but how does one really commit to and stick to it changing old unhelpful patterns to new ones?

Non Violent Communication (N.V.C.) is a simple form of communication that takes some practice to get good at and to understand and yet once learnt it has the potential to bring a lot of fulfilment to communication situations. Why? Because it actually just clarifies what is happening in us internally and offers a formula for both the speaker and the listener in any situation to be able to express themselves better and to be able to hear the needs of others better.

One of the most challenging aspects of getting clean after using party drugs like Crystal Meth and GHB and even Amyl Nitrate is:

Many gay men accomplish the art of 'getting into shape physically.' It takes commitment to go to the gym but once there we also have to remain committed and consistent with going.

In addition one takes supplements, learns how to space or eat meals with protein, carbs and minimise the fat. Then there is getting to know what exercises train what muscles and then how heavy or how many reps we need to do. We learn to execute many different combinations and then we learn in order for the muscle to grow we also need to get a certain amount of sleep. And the specifics of this carry on.